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>Or Is It?

>The last few weeks i’ve continued to be in a contemplative mood. I’ve been thinking a lot about life and what my professional life will look like in the coming years. Currently, i’m not too happy with how things are going. I feel as if my professional life is at a standstill and once again I’m having the exact same feelings that I had one month ago when I last posted. Shouldn’t this give me any indication of what I should already know and that is, move on? I’m really scared about moving on, or scared that i can’t do it anymore….for the last ten years of my life, moving on to something different – making a change in my life has always been so simple. Everything that I owned could be easily packed up I would be at my new destination without problems. But after living in LA for 2 years, it’s not as simple anymore. I feel that at my age i can’t do the same things that I did during my early 20s. I mean think about it…. when you graduate from college, you’re in a place where if you fuck up, people are going to be like…”you know, she’s at that age where she needs to experience life.” I’m no longer at that age. I’m at the age that if I do something crazy like get up and move without having a job and some security, i would be seen as someone that is irresponsible and definitely not an adult. No, i don’t really care what people think of me but i think that society has conditioned us (i think) to follow a specific timeline.

I was watching this movie the other day on Lifetime (this channel may be the result of my self-destruction) and it was about a girl my age that lost her mother as a little kid, but right before the mother died, she made a timeline of how this girl should live her life. Now, the mother didn’t expect for the daughter to intentionally follow the timeline exactly, she pretty much wrote it as a symbol of her existence (not sure if this makes sense) but this girl took it literally. LIke everything that was written down, she did it. But she did it without realizing that all the things that she accomplished was for the sake of her mother, but never because she truly wanted to do it. So she realizes later on that yes, she needs to leave her job as an attorney and instead become an artist which she really wants to do and that she should marry boyfriend #6 and not #7….(yeah, this is the trash they show on lifetime)

Anyways, my point is….and i did have one, is that i feel that i’m 28 and that i should already be in a certain place in my life because that’s what society expects of me but i dont’ really like where i’m at. I’m lacking the excitement that I always looked forward to as i was going to undergrad all those years ago. I always said…when i graduate…when i graduate. but i’ve been out of undergrad for 6 years….about to finish a masters degree in which it gives me no purpose and the only thing that’s exciting in my life is happy hour on tuesday nights. Now, i’m not going to complain about happy hour on tuesday nights because it’s so much fun, but theirs got to be more than that.

i’m flying out to san francisco tomorrow and i love that damn city. Maybe after this trip it’ll give me some perspective. Otherwise, i’ll have to wait till my trip home to NM in september, where I will spend 10 days with my family and i think it might be enough time to be thankful for living in LA.

Just maybe….

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